How Can A Toilet Increase Your Confidence???

Just got alerted to this creepy, creepy web advertisement (hat tip: Salil Maniktahla by way of SepiaMutiny).

Last year, at around this time, we got the Phillips Bodygroom ad... this year, we get the Washlet.

The Bodygroomer was deliberately tongue-in-cheek, with its hero displaying fruit as stand-ins for all the below-the-belt body parts he wanted to shave. But the Washlet is dead serious, and thus, entirely more disturbing.

The Washlet is a toilet seat. It replaces your existing toilet seat. Its function: to deliver a warm, pulsating stream of water to your nether regions, in lieu of toilet paper.

Cool, yes? A variant of the Japanese and desi toilets are now available in the US? Bring it on!

Then the creepiness begins.

First: the claim that the Washlet will increase your confidence. I don't know about you, but if my sense of self-worth is so low that I need a toilet seat to increase my confidence, I have larger issues at hand than can be dealt with by a simple stream of water. Even if the stream can be switched between three different massaging modes.

The ad also consistently states that the Washlet will increase your happiness, which is a little more realistic but still slightly unnerving.

Second: the complete lack of mention of the environment. Whenever anyone mentions the lota or the Japanese toilet, there's always a nod to the fact that water is much better for Mother Earth than shoving a lot of grotty paper down a hole.

The fact that the Washlet never even touches upon this makes me fear that it is actually more harmful to the earth than is toilet paper.

Perhaps it's due to the perpetually-heated toilet seat, which must take a lot of juice. Or whatever's involved in the hydraulic spraying wand, or the "calming, warm-air" dryer that not only cleans one's rear but also sanitizes the toilet itself after every flush.

Third: the clear implication that the Washlet is only for rich people. Everyone else? Grab a teapot.

This is also implied within the list of suggestions of what you can do with your time instead of wiping yourself. That is to say, the Washlet actually hints that you can do business on your Blackberry -- or iPhone -- the entire time you're on the toilet, instead of having to take the thirty seconds to wipe. Maximum productivity!

Maximum creepy.

And finally: the complete lack of reference to the fact that water has been the primary source of hygiene for many areas of the world for thousands of years. This team makes it sound like they invented water. The ad, when asked to present "proof" that the Washlet works, states that they've been testing it since the 1980s without any ill effects. They could have said "look, guys, thousands of people wash their asses with water every day and they don't die." But they don't.

They don't even have any desis in the ad. ^__^

Do watch. It is quite worth the laugh.